365 days ago, around 8:30 P.M. I took the stage for TEDxNUST to talk about the 6 times I tried to end my life and failed. And how the seventh time when I succeeded and still survived, led me to build FUSED – a system that identifies suicide markers from emotions embedded in a person’s speech.
When I was first introduced to TED Talks, I was seventeen years old, more skeletal than I look today, a fresher enrolled in an engineering program. Sulking everyday while walking to class I couldn’t stop thinking what the hell was I doing with my life? I was recovering from self-harming tendencies then.
Over the course of years I had started to wonder about the purpose of my life. I was a total misfit when it came to social acceptability. I spent most of the time reading. I had no real friends, and my wants and wishes never existed; personal likes or dislikes never mattered – a common byproduct of families having strict, narcissistic parents. Physically, I am below average. For a man of my age, I’m genetically incapable of growing muscle mass (I’ve tried, believe me) which often turns me into a dartboard of humanitarian pity and remarks that if found their way into the UN Summit can actually end world hunger and endless wars.
When asked about my aim in life, I was always blank and it took me a long time to figure out that I had an endless drive to help people. I now realize that my faulty ambition stemmed from years of neglect and lack of love that I had to deal with while growing up.
It was during the years at university that my mentor, a brilliant professor who taught me mathematics, introduced me to the tenacity one needs to accomplish something extraordinary. She introduced me to TED talks which I procrastinated watching because seventeen is just too much without the addition of family drama and mental illness. Mine had two more niches attached: existential crises and the search for self that gradually resulted in academic suicide.
In 2010, I watched the first TED Talk of my life. At that time, my religious and sexual identity was already under heavy scrutiny by my peers, my knowledge and understanding of the Quran, and the sociopolitical changes that had bound Islam and Terrorism in close familial ties after the 9/11 incident.
For a boy who spent an entire childhood reading comics from Marvel and DC, collecting action figures, sketching super-hero costumes and praying to be granted superhero abilities (more specifically Spider Sense), I was just baffled and awestruck when I saw this guy who had animated characters based on the 99 attributes of Allah.
And I wondered how great that would have felt, being able to connect with so many people and telling them what you’ve wanted to do for the rest of the world. My ultimate goal with a faulty premise roared itself from a slumber once again. Perhaps I could live to serve the people and bring happiness to their lives. Deep in my heart, I wished for the fulfillment of that dream. But also another one that I failed to realize or I must say, too embarrassed to speak out loud: become a TEDx speaker.
Unwritten 