Sulaiman and hamza

Rebooting in 20 Days

This year has been the toughest challenge I’ve faced until now.

I lost my grip on reality because I was dealing with so much shit that I can barely tackle stuff on my own. I thought this year was my road to recovery. Instead I realized that I need to get off the road, get a plane and leave this world fucking far away.

Sorry for the profanity, I am extremely pissed at a lot of people and a lot of things that cost me too much of my time and my heart. The year is about to end. And with it my entire life that had me sinking for the last decade.

I cut off a lot of people from my life. A lot of people that were simply leeching me off of my happiness. And then the disloyal backstabbing ones. The ones with two faces. The ones that make you feel a little less lovable every passing day. And then there are the ones that break you in so many pieces that you can’t recognize yourself.

Another thing apart from the people that I was once surrounded with was the system that attacked me. The entire education system of the country is fucked up and it made me weep tears of blood while I tried to fight for my future.

I lost a lot of things this year. And I still feel something stinging in my heart when I write this. But I’m glad that I was able to get rid of everything that hurt me and has been hurting me for a very long time. There was no other option other than restarting my life from scratch.

The first step started with telling the person I love the most to stop contacting me because they had hurt me so much that I felt used to the point of no return.

I still love the said person, and I don’t think I would ever stop loving them. But that person did not even respect me enough to treat me with dignity. That is not love. I realized it pretty late.

But I’m so very much in love with that same person because I believe that love is unconditional, just not the unrequited one, because you’re simply chasing a ghost. And that I am doing. I have been doing for the past two years. And I think I don’t regret loving someone who cannot love me back. It was better to have loved with my entire heart than to speak words that were gone with the wind.

This lead me to a point where I put a full stop on the prospect of ever getting a romantic relationship. I sincerely believed that there is more to life than the idea of a ‘happily ever after’. I would rather choose respect over one night stands from dating apps that people engage into these days. But more than that I’ve decided that I loved this person and I don’t ever want to go search for someone else, even though I have to live with myself for the rest of my life.

Coming up with this decision took me enough time while I recovered from all the trauma that came from the betrayal of my friends, family and this country. And then I decided to burn the bridge.

I removed everyone from my life that was in cahoots with the bitches fanning the flames and pouring gasoline over me. I stopped reaching out to people that brought nothing but misery, left my job, left everything behind and decided that I need to start living for myself.

Starting over was the hardest part. But I got my strength from my students. I’ve spent a decade and a half teaching kids, standing up for them, making them stand up for themselves, teaching them about boundaries and relationships and never giving up on their dreams and this time around, they stood by me.

And then i left my career behind. I have always been excellent at sciences but engineering was never my passion. I had learnt enough of building things, designing circuits and digital electronics, it was time I chased what I really wanted.

There were plenty of opportunities but not in this country. And then I found a school that swept my off my feet. It was perhaps my guardian angel. The head-of-the-department asked me what happened and I asked her if she had the time and patience to hear the truth or I should give her an excuse and make a story.

She said she would prefer the truth and I sat her down and explained it to her my entire life till that moment.

That evening, I got home with a full scholarship for the molecular biology program. I’ve always wanted to do something remarkable for the people of this world, and studying genetics would give me an insight into the things that I can come up with [using the already acquired knowledge of engineering].

I had already built a suicide detection mechanism on human vitals, it is time I dive deeper into health sciences and understand the why’s of disease and perhaps attempt solve and lessen some of the misery that humans face today.

In twenty days, my entire life will reboot and I will be walking into med-school leaving behind past animosity and anguish. I start school in January and I will take you guys with me on this journey. I’m starting to upload vlogs as blog posts because it will give me more room to cover a lot of topics that I seem to forget to write about. And I also learnt how to make music. and take pictures like a pro-photographer. [I will share the pictures in the next blog post. Check out the music track I created:

Who would have thought I would be privileged to study engineering, psychology and biology in one lifetime!

Dido – White Flag

And when we meet, which I’m sure we will

All that was there, will be there still

I’ll let it pass and hold my tongue

And you will think that I’ve moved on…

The 2019 acoustic version

The song is a decade old but still one of the best ones of Dido. People wouldn’t know how amazing her voice still sounds as it was in the 90s. Soothing and soft, like the lullaby you’d need to calm you on a troubling day.

The 2009 video

Halsey – Without Me

This is me trying to break my writer’s block even though I’ve to go to work tomorrow. I’ve started an online diary. I wanted to go anonymous but decided not to.

This year’s journey is all about being able to say what I want to and express myself without the need to repress my thoughts and feelings from fear of upsetting people.

And the first step towards that is accepting the thoughts in my head. I’ll end this post with a song that I keep singing to myself these days. Have a nice day!

EMM – Freedom

This song just breaks me into a million pieces. It takes me back to the time when my younger brother was battling substance abuse. Let me be loud and clear and I will repeat “You don’t need to feel high in order to feel alive.”

The entire world is gripped with the need to dose themselves with psychotropics thinking its too cool to not try it. And I can’t stress how dangerous they are. But of course, the society we live in capitalizes on the lives of the young and careless.

These chemicals, whether it be weed or cannabis, high amounts nicotine or heroin, alter your brain chemistry. They will drown you. And not only you, but the people who love you.

Tell me who in your mind told you to try it? What in your life made you be like this?