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This is Why I Need You

The post is another excerpt from my new book, Eternal. I wrote this part with immense difficulty as it is really close to my heart and my memory does no justice to my feelings.

Play this beautiful track by Jesse Ruben before you begin reading.


I could never understand my father. As cryptic as ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, the man I love so much was finally beginning to make sense. The tattered pages in my hand serve as my guide; my compass in search of the North Star. I slow down descending the ramp and halting at a junction of traffic lights. Infront of me was Kulsum International Hospital, reflecting the entire road from it’s all glass front panel.

Twenty years and nothing has changed.

But things had changed, and I was going to realize that sooner than ever. I continued forward, taking the road ahead, frequently checking my GPS until I came across the signboard that read ‘Ayub National Park’.

A few minutes later, I was sitting in one of the cute benches as I stared at the almost empty lawns at three in the afternoon. Of course, no one in their right minds would visit a park this early. Women, at this time, are either fixing lunch, washing the dishes, or sending their kids off to tuition centres so they’d get some time to nap before the evening grind.

I flipped to the last few pages of dad’s journal. His writing was still beautiful, blue ink fading into cursive letters sunk in pages turned to gold by time. And I begin reading where I left last night…

– – –

I had gone over it in my head countless times but when the moment came, I wasn’t ready, I just IMG-20180104-WA0004wasn’t. We only had a few hours and the sun was racing against the horizon. Too soon, it was dusk and the moon was shining like a white orb on a starless night. I worried if I was stealing time from his family, but I was afraid of never seeing him again, something that was inevitable, something that I never wanted to happen. We sat down in the parking lot as I built up the courage inside me and looked at him. He was waiting for an answer.

“Where should we go next?”

I hesitated for a moment.

“Home,” I said. “I don’t want to keep Pops waiting.”

I tried to be polite and smiled. The Uber came a little too soon and before we knew, we were halfway towards our destination.

“Hey, here’s a song for you,” I said as I handed him my earphones.

I knew it was going to be awkward but at the same time, I had to clear out all doubts and perhaps, apologize for the things I couldn’t do right. The driver was constantly peeping through the rear-view mirror prohibiting my hand to reach out and hold his.

Cause you make the darkness less dark, you make the edge less sharp, you make the winter feel warmer…

I turn my head away making an innocent gesture as the scarf around my neck absorbed the waterfall in my eyes. I was known to be a person who could never shut up and here I was – dumbstruck, at a loss of words, moments away from seeing the love of my life most probably for the last time – completely frozen in time.

You are the who, love is the what, and this is the why…

I turned around and caught a glimpse of him wiping the corner of his eye, his head tilted at an angle, facing the road slipping away from sight.

“Is that it?” he said in a soft voice that rose above the air settling like cobwebs and thick dust on an old tombstone. 

“Yeah,” I said clearing out my throat.

“I like upbeat songs, mostly,” he said smiling. It was his way of subtly letting me know he got the message but was unable to voice it for whatever the reason.

– – –

I slow down into a narrow alley and park beside a row of houses. This diary was finally at its destination. Walking towards the lane, I stopped halfway beneath an archway covered by morning glories hung like tiny bells swaying gently in the summer breeze. I look around.

For a moment, it feels like I have travelled back in time. My dad stood on this very pavement that my car is occupying right now. I can see him trying hard to stop himself from breaking down as he whispers something in Ali’s ears. Who knew it would take me twenty years to find this place.

The place where everything ended before it finally began.


Eternal will be available on 22nd July 2018.