Fading February

Would you believe if I tell you that you mean the world to me and that every morning when I wake up I think of you and with the first beep of my cell phone I wish it was your text. Throughout the day I remember you and the tiny little similarities between you and the world all around me. When I sleep I hope to dream of you and even when I don’t I recall of the memories. What little bit of them I have of you. To be honest, I don’t know where and why life put us on this road, what has been done is written in stone now. And with time you are finally fading out, slipping from my grasp like grains of sand and I am worn out and tired protecting the souvenirs of your memories. Sum it all up you complete my world like you used to seven years back. And although things may appear different to the world its still the same and in each of the spaces of my words your absence is defeaning, destructive, debilitating; lethal. Let me say it now after all this time. I love you and I will forever miss you.

 

 Translation:

Amidst the dark veil of the night

He traced with his fingers

an ‘I love you’

on the palm of my hand

I wonder what kind of ink it was

invisible, unseen, unerasable …

A strange case of apathy

The last week I had a really crappy fight with one of my best friends and I had been in such a bad frame of mind that I just hit block and delete. This whole week which I had worked for 75 hours, I was just getting home to sleep and I was overburdened by:

1. Not being able to write or read at all
2. Not having started on my NaNoWriMo manuscript
3. The way my friend hurt me
4. Of not being able to talk to anyone about how I feel inside
5. This insane amount of loneliness that I’m feeling
6. I was unable to communicate with my brothers
7. I was behind schedule on my research paper
8. I had been skipping meetings with my professors
9. I had been avoiding meeting my students because it just felt too much
10. I haven’t followed up my TV shows
11. I MISS MY BROTHERS!

I haven’t spoken to my eldest brother much, because of course, he’d get to the root of my troubles, object at me working like a machine, coax me into stop taking care of the world and live for yourself. Kinda not looking for that speech. Even though I know I have to speak to him eventually. I need his dad talk.

 

I have small talked with my younger one. Just a bunch of not so useful sentences and fake laughs though. But we don’t usually talk about personal stuff unless of course I’m minutes away from slitting my wrist and bawling my eyes out over the feelings of worthlessness.

 

I haven’t spoken to my more younger one because he gets insta pissed at me hurting even though he wants the best for me but since he’s out of the country, I wouldn’t want him to stay worried about me. I have to catch up to him, he was recently going to Istanbul for a debate [he’s a pro debater].

 

The youngest who’s more attached to me did notice I was falling apart and has been trying to spend most of his time with me despite pending school work and his passion for photography. But I’m still unable to get the words out of my mouth. We’ve been going out for food and tea and everything random but I’m just not present in the moment.

 

My brothers and I eventually sat down for dinner tonight. We were watching Sherlock and they noticed I just wasn’t there with them. I wish this state of restlessness could end soon. There is something eating up at me and I feel terrible. Tomorrow is another busy week. I work eight hours in the morning and eight hours at night. Sleep is just like a pause button now, the weird craziness continues after I wake up.

I’ve been thinking of painting/ sketching lately. It’s been more than six months since I’ve smudged colors on the paper. My paintbrushes are celebrating Halloween draped with cobwebs and spiders. I want to sketch my brothers in a large horizontal portrait that I would hang in my room.

I wish this apathy to end before it ends me.